The Impact of Grace and Courtesy
Rebecca Lingo • March 4, 2024

At Wheaton Montessori School, we emphasize two words on a regular basis: grace and courtesy. But what does grace and courtesy mean? How are they an essential part of Montessori classrooms, specifically at Wheaton Montessori School? And what role do they play in supporting the development of social relationships and confident humans?


What is Grace? What is Courtesy?


Let’s first isolate each word. Google’s Oxford Languages defines “grace" in two parts: 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement, and 2. courteous goodwill. Courtesy is defined simply as the showing of politeness in one’s attitude and behavior toward others. Stated another way, grace and courtesy comprise how we move through the space around us showing respect for ourselves and others.


Grace and courtesy are fundamental aspects of Montessori education and are taught and expected to be demonstrated in different ways across various age groups, specifically in the preschool and kindergarten, elementary, and adolescent stages. 


Grace & Courtesy Lessons at Wheaton Montessori School


Preschool and Kindergarten


In our preschool and kindergarten communities, grace and courtesy are considered to be part of practical life learning and we devote significant time to grace and courtesy lessons. For example, the adults give explicit instructions on how to walk around someone’s work on the rug, how to wait your turn, how to offer help, how to tuck a chair under the table, or how to introduce oneself. These lessons are offered one-on-one or in small groups and we role play to discover new skills.


We are very careful about how we introduce grace and courtesy to children. If we see something that needs to be addressed, we try to avoid confronting the child in the moment and we never offer grace and courtesy lessons as a form of punishment or correction. We are careful about this because children are often embarrassed when corrected by adults on the spot. When this happens, they can feel disrespected and not safe, and thus much less likely to perform the act on their own accord.


Elementary Program


As children enter their elementary years, our approach shifts slightly. Elementary-age children are more focused on their social interactions and are learning how to navigate the ups and downs of friendships and are continuously learning and experiencing how to handle different situations within their social circles. As such, much of the grace and courtesy work at this level provides children with tools for communicating directly and respectfully, sharing perspectives thoughtfully, and even being discreet about something potentially embarrassing. In addition, they are learning how to interact with the broader community as they arrange visits or interviews, conduct themselves according to the norms of different communities, and explore how to be a host or a guest. They foster a sense of responsibility and respect towards others and the environment.


Adolescent Community


When it comes to adolescents, grace and courtesy are further expanded and refined. Teens are expected to have mastered the basics and are now taught how these concepts apply on a broader scale. They learn about ethical behavior, critical thinking, and decision-making. They experience and explor how to navigate complex social situations, respect all, communicate effectively, and collaborate with others. They are encouraged, supported, modeled, and taught to demonstrate these behaviors in real-world situations, helping them prepare for adulthood. 


In summary, grace and courtesy are integral parts of the educational journey at Wheaton Montessori School. They evolve and differ in complexity depending on the age group, starting with basic manners in preschool and kindergarten, progressing to more complex social interactions in elementary, and culminating with ethical behavior and decision-making in adolescence.


The Goal


At Wheaton Montessori School these acts of grace and courtesy aren’t rigid demands. For example, we do not like insisting that children say please and thank you. We want students to voluntarily use these niceties because it’s part of living together, they are surrounded by courtesies, and they recognize the relationships. They become part of how children want to be and interact. The expectations are modeled, taught, encouraged, and supported. Dr. Montessori is quoted as saying: “…the essential thing is that [the child] should know how to perform these actions of courtesy when his little heart prompts him to do so, as part of a social life which develops naturally from moment to moment.” 


Like all academic, practical, and social activities within our classroom communities, we offer opportunities to regularly practice and repeat grace and courtesy skills. Because these experiences are part of the normal functioning of the day, they provide a respectful way for young people to learn expectations and for adults to inspire, model, scaffold, and assist social skill development.


The Results


As we offer these grace and courtesy opportunities and give children a safe place to practice, our young people eventually perform these skills independently. 


Upon your initial visit to Wheaton Montessori School, you probably encountered an incredibly focused, purposeful, and joyful environment in all of our programs. You might have observed two young kids seated together, with one patiently assisting the other in putting on their shoes. There could also have been a student waiting calmly to share a story with the teacher. Your children bring a sad classmate a tissue or rush to assist when someone has a spill. They tuck their chairs under tables. They carefully place a tray on a table. They greet each other and adults in the hallways. They hold the door open when they see someone coming in their way. 


In summary, in each of our programs, students are always encouraged and guided to work with grace and courtesy. Interactions at Wheaton Montessori School are done in a manner that is peaceful, respectful, and cooperative and are marked by mutual understanding and a sense of unity. Students share their spaces, resources, and time in a way that promotes harmony and fosters a sense of community. This harmonious coexistence among children is a testament to their innate ability to learn together peacefully and treat each other with grace and courtesy.


Your children as part of Wheaton Montessori School students and as future alumni move beyond the basic niceties and think deeply about their impact on those around them. We’d love to show you this in action. We invite current families to schedule classroom observation and prospective families to schedule a school tour to see the ways that grace and courtesy help children recognize themselves as caring, competent, and cooperative individuals within a community together. 


Adolescent Seminar Observation Ms. Searcy’s Upper Elementary Classroom Observation Mrs. Fortun’s Lower Elementary Classroom Observation Mrs. Mayhugh’s Lower Elementary Classroom Observation Mrs. Berdick’s Primary Classroom Observation Ms. Carr’s Primary Classroom Observation Ms. Chiste’s Primary Classroom Observation Mrs. Rogers’s Primary Classroom Observation
Child reaching for an object,
By Rebecca Lingo January 26, 2026
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Children outside a building; title
By Suzanna Mayhugh, Lower Elementary Teacher January 19, 2026
Montessori Mayhem? Pint-Sized Pandemonium? When I give tours of the Elementary classrooms or welcome new parents to the Elementary program at Wheaton Montessori School, some parents believe that students are allowed complete freedom, as if the classrooms are a beautiful den of chaos and anarchy. Indeed, this is one of the biggest misconceptions about Montessori education. (The biggest misconception being, in my experience, that Montessori isn’t “real world” education. But as we say in our lessons, “That’s a story for another day.”) While Montessori classrooms DO give children the freedoms they require and deserve, it’s not an unlimited free-for-all with an adult watching from an observation chair! Freedom is always balanced with responsibility, to oneself and to the community. These values, freedom and responsibility, are essential for creating a happy, busy, humming classroom where children thrive. What Does Freedom Mean in Our Classroom? “Freedom” in the classroom means that students are encouraged to make choices about their learning. Just as in our Primary classrooms at Wheaton Montessori School, students are free to choose their work, their seat, and their work partners. They are free to move about the classroom and do not need to raise their hands to visit the restroom, get a drink of water, or ask a question. Let’s look at a few of these freedoms more closely. Students are Free to Choose Their Work. For example, they may choose which book to read, choose a work partner to research a chosen topic, or practice a tricky bit of a lesson over and over. They are also able to choose how they will show their understanding. They might present their understanding through a poster, a diorama, a model, a handmade book, or an enormous amount of cardboard and hot glue. These choices empower students to take charge of their education and express themselves in ways that suit their interests and strengths, something a standardized test or a worksheet can never do. However, freedom in the classroom ALWAYS has limits. For example, students are free to choose their work, but choosing NOT to work is not an option. They are free to choose their work from the lessons that have been presented to them. While students may choose their reading material, it must be appropriate for their reading level and classroom guidelines. When students select a partner, they must do so respectfully and inclusively. When students create projects and work output, they must do so with care, make proper use of materials, and in a way that shows what they understand about their topic. Additionally, these choices should never disrupt their own learning and construction, or that of their peers. The Role of Responsibility In a true Montessori classroom, freedom comes with responsibility. And that responsibility can sometimes be uncomfortable at first. Students are expected to care for classroom materials, such as returning books and lesson materials to the shelf, taking part in classroom jobs, keeping a record of their work in their work journals, and handling art supplies properly. They are responsible for practicing their lessons and completing chosen follow-up work, listening attentively during lessons or when a classmate is sharing a presentation or thought, and helping classmates when needed and available. A student is not free to use materials in a way that damages or wastes the classroom supplies or puts anyone in harm’s way. Freedom within our classroom never allows for harming oneself, others, or the classroom materials. Healthy boundaries, limits, and structures are consistently communicated in advance with clarity and respect, ensuring practicality and alignment within the community. Classroom expectations and rules are collaboratively developed and agreed upon by the community. In order to foster a positive learning environment, both students and teachers are expected to adhere to the shared expectations and responsibilities. When necessary, the classroom adult will address students and reiterate expectations and boundaries in a firm yet considerate manner. This balanced approach is effective only when maintained consistently throughout each day. What Might it Look Like When the Balance Needs to Shift? The adults in the classroom are constantly observing the children to be sure that each child has as much freedom as they are ready for, providing them space, room, and opportunities to show their strengths, and make their own choices throughout the day. When that freedom is too much, a teacher might need to provide more lessons in how to use materials that have been damaged or used improperly, limit work partner choices, or have a student sit with the teacher while they practice lessons or work with precious art materials. The adults will be watching for the perfect moment to allow the child increased freedom within the classroom, and within the limits of the understood responsibilities. How Freedom and Responsibility Work Together Finding the right mix of freedom and responsibility is something we work on together every day in our classroom. Montessori teachers are specially trained to guide this balance, helping students practice important skills like making good choices, solving problems, and learning self-control. When children are trusted to make decisions, they also learn to take responsibility for those choices. Experiencing the natural consequences of their actions helps them become kind, thoughtful, and capable members of their community who understand how their choices affect others. What Does This Have to Do with Parents? Your support at home makes a big difference. By working together, we can help your child thrive both at school and at home. Encouraging your child to take responsibility for their actions and decisions reinforces what they learn in class. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. It also becomes easier, more comfortable, and needs to be practiced less often when practiced consistently (like most things!). This supportive consistency across settings, at home and at school, helps children feel confident, cared for, and increasingly independent.