Wheaton Montessori News
This post goes out to the frustrated parents. (So, all of us at some point!)
Challenging behavior is an unfortunate part of growing up and parenting. We know that it’s normal, we know our children need to experience it to grow and learn, but that does not make it any easier in the moment. If you are anything like us, you might pause from time to time and ask yourself, “What would Montessori do?”
There are no perfect answers, and Dr. Montessori would have recognized that what works for one child will not necessarily work for the next. We can, however, rely on our knowledge of human development and typical child behavior to help guide us. We hope this post will provide you with some helpful tips!
As Montessorians, we tend to follow a hierarchy when we address issues with children. We look at:
Environment affects us all, and as adults we can carefully craft an environment that suits the needs of our children. This is why Montessori guides meticulously create classrooms with a specific order and flow to them, and why they are constantly observing and analyzing what should remain the same and what should change.
We feel confident in saying that most of the time, a change in the environment can change the behavior. Some examples:
This is perhaps the hardest part for many of us, but sometimes children’s undesirable behavior is tangled up in our own actions and/or perceptions. Some questions you may want to ask yourself and reflect on when you feel frustrated include:
We realize that these can be some pretty deep questions. Our jobs as parents are hard enough and there is no need to be judgmental, especially of ourselves, but reflection can be helpful. We also know that it’s not always possible to deal with a child’s behavior while being completely stress-free, well-rested, etc., but it can be helpful to recognize when we might be playing a role in what is going on.
Sometimes there really is something going on within the child that needs to be addressed, and it can be a simpler explanation than we might expect! Some possibilities to consider:
Sometimes a child might be upset about one area of their life and behaviors manifest in a completely different way. For example, an eight year old may be facing friendship challenges at school. Instead of talking about the problem, they may unintentionally take their frustration out on the parents. This is a common occurrence when a child has not fully understood why they are upset, are unable to articulate the issue, and yet feel safe to be themselves fully at home. Of course we must set expectations that our children are to be kind, but having this insight may help get to the root of many issues.
Regularly talking to our children, especially as they get older, can be very helpful in helping them navigate through the common (yet sometimes painful) experiences of growing up. Many families find that bedtime tends to be when their children speak freely about what’s bothering them. Even as your child gets older, set aside time in the evening to be together. This can be time together reading, cuddling, or talking about the day.
Two last bits of advice that are perhaps the most important: do not expect perfection and find yourself a supportive group of parents to talk to.
We know our children will not always be perfect, and neither will we. Children will push boundaries and make mistakes – lots of them – and as parents we won’t always know the best way to handle things. We will learn together.
Having a group of parents that you can vent to and celebrate with is so helpful. Whether you meet up for coffee, chat on the phone, trade tips on Facebook, or sit on the sidelines together at soccer games, remember to reach out to others. We are all in this together.